"To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients—care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as open honest communication." — bell hooks, All About Love
Love is often thought of as a feeling, something that just happens to us. But as bell hooks teaches in All About Love, love is an intentional practice, requiring us to mix essential ingredients—care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, and open honest communication—to create the foundation for healthy relationships with both ourselves and others.
But how do we define love for ourselves? And how do we learn to practice love from a place of healing rather than fear, trauma, or past wounds?
How Our Experiences Shape Our Definition of Love
Our first understanding of love is often shaped by our earliest relationships—with parents, caregivers, or significant figures in our lives. If those relationships were marked by trust, care, and emotional safety, we may grow up believing that love is secure and nurturing. But if we’ve experienced betrayal, neglect, shame, or abuse, our definition of love may become entangled with fear, distrust, or emotional withdrawal.
In my work as a therapist, I’ve observed how past trauma, unhealthy relationships, and experiences of shame deeply affect one’s ability to trust others and receive love fully. Many struggle with the belief that love must be earned, withheld, or proven, rather than something that is given freely and intentionally.
To heal, we must redefine love on our own terms—not based on past wounds, but on the love we wish to cultivate in our lives.
Healing Through Love: Creating a Safe Space for Ourselves
Healing begins by creating a safe place within ourselves—a space where we practice self-compassion, honesty, and emotional safety. If we’ve learned to associate love with pain, abandonment, or betrayal, we may need to unlearn those patterns by:
Recognizing how past wounds impact our relationships
Releasing shame and self-blame that tell us we are unworthy of love
Acknowledging our fears and learning to trust again
Healing is not about forgetting what we’ve endured, but about making space for a new, healthier definition of love—one that honors our worth and values.
Leaning Into Community: Practicing Love in Relationships
While healing starts within, love is also something we cultivate in connection with others. We heal not just in isolation, but in community, in friendship, in relationships that remind us we are seen, valued, and held with care.
As hooks reminds us, love requires commitment and action. We cannot truly love without:
❤️ Respecting boundaries—both our own and others'
❤️ Practicing open and honest communication
❤️ Honoring trust as something built, not assumed
❤️ Extending grace and compassion, even when it's hard
When we actively practice love, we step into a space where trust can be rebuilt, and relationships can flourish from a place of security, rather than fear.
Love is Action: Trusting the Process of Healing
Love is not just something we feel—it is something we do. It is a daily practice of choosing care, honesty, respect, and trust, even when it feels difficult.
Trust, in particular, is one of the hardest aspects of love to reclaim after experiencing betrayal or trauma. It requires faith—not just in others, but in ourselves. Trusting that we are worthy of love, capable of giving and receiving it, and deserving of relationships that nurture rather than harm.
Healing through love means believing that healthy love exists, that we can cultivate it, and that we are not defined by our past wounds.
Final Thoughts: A Love That Heals
Redefining love is part of the healing journey. When we face our wounds, create a safe inner space, lean into community, and commit to practicing love intentionally, we begin to transform how we experience relationships.
As bell hooks teaches, love is an action, not just a feeling. It is a choice, a commitment, and a foundation for healing.
So ask yourself: What does love mean to you? And how can you practice it—starting with yourself?
At Journey to Healing, PLLC, we are here to support you in redefining love and healing from past wounds. If you're ready to explore what love means for you, reach out to begin your journey toward wholeness and self-acceptance.
Disclaimer:
The information in this blog is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice. Please consult a licensed therapist for personalized support.
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